And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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