The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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