You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
