she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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