You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
