Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
