I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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