Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I need to stop coming to work sober
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
