Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
