someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
