a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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