I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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