I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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