apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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