i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
