i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
