new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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