Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
