I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
