don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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