my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
