It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
