I got chris browned last night
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
