You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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