I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
