Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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