I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
