So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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