Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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