Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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