I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
