You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
