No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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