2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She even gives head with a lisp.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
