So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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