I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
