She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
