Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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