Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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