Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
