if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
