i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Houston, we have a squirter
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
