Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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