there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
