Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
