mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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