you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
