When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
