i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
