Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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