My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
